The professional pregnancy test was no different than the store brand home test.
I tried my best — and am continuing to fail — at being big about it. But, you know one foot in front of the other and all that.
A few days after the negative result Peanut and I headed to New York state to visit my grandmother, Peanut’s great grandmother. I think my grandmother enjoyed our visit and Peanut enjoyed the carousel museum. We say Niagara Falls too, but it was hot and I was crampy and the line for the Maid of the Mist was long so Peanut was mad we didn’t get to ride the boat, but she did get a cute Snoopy shirt.
I got back into the gym. I had gained five pounds over the summer. My work clothes still fits, but it is tight. So I need to at least fit back into my work pants. I’m thinking about taking classes at Pure Barre. One of my co-workers teaches there and she loves it (and has lost a lot of weight too).
I went back to work.The institute days were hard. People wanted to talk about their kids. Some wanted to — in the most good humored way — complain about having multiple children which made me sad/mad. And the news of who was newly pregnant, who is on maternity leave, etc. I had one whole conversation where someone I don’t normally see repeatedly asked about my oldest child and referenced my first maternity leave. But all the time when people asked about my family, I heard over and over the phrase — so you just have the one.
I have set to work de-infertility treatmenting the house. I cleaned out all of my meds and dropped what I could at the drop box at the pharmacy. I am working on the sharps disposal. I am going to pack out my favorite pieces of baby clothes to give to Peanut when she has kids, and give the maternity clothes and other baby clothes to Goodwill. It is such a process and all one the patient. After cancer care a service came to my house within hours of the final chemo being disconnected and took the sharps and hazmat containers. The evidence of chemo was wiped away in hours. The evidence of infertility has taken over a week already to remove.
I guess that shows how infertility isn’t really treated like an illness. What other major medical experience would doctors send you home to inject yourself and no way to dispose of hazardous materials? Nothing else.
But I see the other side too. Infertility treatment isn’t cancer treatment. When you fail as a cancer patient, you die. When you fail as infertility patient, you live without your dream for a few decades (or sometimes less) and then you die.